I can't Control you

Once, in the middle of a particularly violent episode of my abusers' (this was the time he slammed me against the wall with his hand on my neck and my esophagus was crushed, I thought my eyes were going to pop out of my head and my jaw slammed shut so hard that I cracked a tooth) he sort of seemed to become lucid just for a moment and realized what he had been doing. He went over to the sofa and crumpled up on it, sobbing. The empathetic caretaker in me immediately rushed to attention and I slowly walked over to this crumpled pathetic buy crying for his mommy.

I was a bit baffled.

"What is the matter?" I said, stroking his hair.

"No matter what I do, it doesn't work", he said

"What do you mean?"

"I can't control you"

That kind of... it was like a slap- not a violent kind, but the kind they give you to snap out of it.

"Why on Earth would you want to do that?"

Then it hit me, here I was comforting and consoling the same person who minutes ago had tried to kill me, just because he had a fucked up imagination. My hand snapped back like it had touched a hot burner, and I hurried out of the room.